old things

It feels good to get rid of old things. I'd been driving around with a PC and a dozen lit mags in the trunk of my car for almost three years. Also gone now are tons of old clothes, like fleece footed PJs an ex's mom gave me and winter scarves I never wore and HK purses and bags (not that I don't like HK anymore, whoa who whoa, I definitely am still in love, just look at my bathroom for crying out loud), and jeans I am just too fat for now. In figuring out how I'll move back home, I've been tempted to sell or give away most of my things and fill two suitcases with the things I really want to keep. One of them would be this guy, of course:

Last night in a dream my apartment was on fire so I grabbed him and ran out. I wish that was the only thing I had to pack, but I'm bringing back so much more.

I don't think you have them, too.

I can't say for sure why I've gone back to almost normal within the past week. These days I don't know what comes from what, but I won't spend too much time thinking about this one. All I know is things are rolling right off me when before they clung to me like barnacles. Standing around at work listening to the lyrics in Littlest Things I was fine, I went back to reconfiguring the whole room after a second. But in my latest dream, you were in my brothers' bedroom in our old house across from the island, lying in bed with the covers pulled over your head as usual. I sneaked in and sat next to you and told you I was moving back to California and you said that you didn't care, that we weren't even friends. I cried retelling it to Meg, but it was nothing like weeks before when I found the little things I wasn't looking for. Someone asked me to look forward to something better, and I think my whole problem while living here has been that I could never see anything better. It always seemed that even as I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, this was as good as it was going to get. I know that when I'm home I'll be better, and maybe that'll mean less sad poems and more poems about dolphins that talk or other things that aren't supposed to happen, like Steve said.

my favorite right now. "Bag of Hammers" by Thao and the Get Down, Stay Down

the valleys, they keep growing.

Stephen Dobyns, you're my only hope.

"we're both so mean and it's our favorite scene."

Things I learned today:
-wearing new sneakers to walk to work in will give you blisters
-wearing new ballet flats AT work will give you blisters
-taking off your shoes and walking around barefoot at work is dangerous and you will step on a SENSOR
-getting too close to a candle will melt your mascara and cause your eyelashes to stick together
-ghosts like to lurk along Baltimore Street and maybe you should stop trying to push buttons
-music from my college days still racks

Silvia's college mix
1) Brick - Ben Folds Five
2) Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
3) Commerce, TX - Ben Kweller
4) Falling - Ben Kweller
5) Just Pretend - The Bens
6) Bitte Ein Kuss - Jonah's Onelinedrawing
7) Manana - Desaparecidos
8) Man and Wife, The Latter (Damaged Goods) - Desaparecidos
9) You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will - Bright Eyes
10) Nothing Gets Crossed Out - Bright Eyes
11) My Slumbering Heart - Rilo Kiley
12) The Execution of All Things - Rilo Kiley
13) Oh! - Sleater-Kinney
14) Seeing Other People - Belle & Sebastian
15) Me and the Major - Belle & Sebastian
16) Person, Person - Mirah
17) Sweepstakes Prize - Mirah
18) Don't Hate Me - The Get Up Kids
19) Close to Home - The Get Up Kids
20) Nothing Better - The Postal Service

done and done.

I'll be sad when I can't go to readings at school anymore. Tonight was the Welter reading and I regretted not submitting this year. There weren't enough seats so Pantea shared hers with me because she is motherly and the whole time I smelled something grape flavored, and incense, I think. It was like being in a hippie store sucking on a grape blowpop, but with rose petals strewn across the floor! I didn't know whether to think about being friends with the earth, or twee things like jumping rope and holding hands, or a romantic bedroom surprise in a movie. At the end of the reading someone brought out a huge birthday cake, chocolate with raspberries and strawberries piled on top, can you imagine? I wanted to eat the whole thing myself, but I didn't even know the birthday girl, so I just thought about it after and in the car Steve said You know, it probably wasn't very good anyway.
It hasn't been very long since I finished making the book but I feel like I'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands from here until August. So on my way home from work I stopped at the library and picked up "Special Topics in Calamity Physics," poems by Stephen Dobyns, Sylvia Plath's journals (abridged because the last time I checked out the unabridged, the pages would fall out and I would find them randomly in my bed), and that Audrey Hepburn book of secret treasures and trinkets that they sell at Anthropologie. If anyone else has a good book recommendation, I'm all ears.
I'm hoping the books and sunshine will help because the last few days, or maybe more, I've been feeling resentful of certain people who don't have to work hard for anything and are handed things on a silver platter and are lucky in love and happy, while I am thinking about how much I hate my job as I walk to work in the morning when most people are just waking up, am not lucky in love, and am definitely not happy. It's a little immature I guess. Maybe I just need a new job, or a benefactor.

almost done

I feel like Jenn is the only person who reads this. So, Jenn, here are my own book making pictures and what I've been listening to.